Don’t know what to do in quarantine? Bored to death and looking for some ways to pass the time? Well, aren’t you the lucky one, because his article will give you top five that will make the days fly by!
These are strange times indeed my friends. A while ago we were all cosily getting drunk together in some bar, and just a month later we’re locked in quarantine awaiting the end times – all while possibly still getting drunk. Yes, we are all goners, and that obviously requires some adjustments. My most adventurous trips are currently limited to expeditions from the couch to the fridge and back, and real life now seems like some forgotten legend from a bygone era. ‘Pants!? What are “pants”, precious!?’ I truly wish things were different, but unfortunately our only option is to be kind to our loved ones, make peace with our gods and face our mutual downfall in quiet dignity. It was an honour to have been able to write for you. Farewell.
What to do in quarantine? Five fun tips for the Apocalypse
Just kidding! The situation is obviously serious, but we’ll surely get through this if we stick together (figuratively speaking of course, don’t literally stick together now). So don’t despair, keep in touch with each other digitally and most of all be careful. And if we’re going to have to stay home in our underwear for another month, we might as well make the best of it. This is why I decided to present you with five useful tips to entertain yourself while you await your impending doom. With these fun activities, boredom is no longer an option, and you’ll at least know what to do in quarantine. Enjoy them, and stay strong. We’ll be out and about again before you know it.
“In quarantine, real life seems like some forgotten legend from a bygone era. ‘Pants!? What are pants, precious!?’ But we’ll surely get through it together.”
1. Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror
Locked up all alone at home? Read all available books, watched all series and already sorted your socks by colour? Then there is no better time to start some thorough self-reflection. Find yourself a mirror – these are great for reflecting – and go and sit right in front of it. Take a good look at that mug of yours, and try and figure out how on earth you’ve let yourself go like this. Don’t limit yourself to your physical appearance, and peer into the darkest corners of your soul as well. Do you still remember? That one thing you told that friend five years ago? Wasn’t nice, now was it? Would she still be angry? Do your woefully inconsiderate words still keep her up at night? Yes. The answer is yes. Comb through your whole family, professional and love life like this, and before you can scream ‘Oh god what have I become!?’ another evening will have passed. You’re welcome!
2. Grow your quarantine beard to Gandalf levels
Let’s be honest. Most of us will not be needed in the office in the months to come. Weddings will not be a thing either in the near future, and you won’t be going on any first dates until at least this summer. This leaves you with no real reason to keep up your usual grooming standards, which is of course the perfect excuse to venture into some fun physical experiments. Yes, you can finally test how you’d look with a handlebar moustache, a mohawk or a chest hair mosaic of choice. Already sporting a manly beard? Grow it to wizard length, and find out whether or not you could have made it at Hogwarts or in Middle Earth.
“Quarantine leaves you with no real reason to keep up your usual grooming standards, which is of course the perfect excuse to venture into some fun physical experiments.”
So let your body hair grow wild and take pictures every now and then to document your progress. Girls can of course join in too. Cultivate that bikini line until it looks like a woollen pair of knickers, or find out how far you can get your roots to grow out before you burst into tears. It is after all – as Elvis used to sing in better days – now or never.
3. High five yourself to keep up the illusion of human contact and approval
I’m a big fan of both genuine compliments and warm physical contact. Unfortunately today both are about as scarce as toilet paper in the supermarket, and I’ll sadly have to do without them for a while. To compensate for this manifest lack of physicality, I recently started giving myself an enthusiastic high five or an encouraging pat on the back after every successful meal, clean-up session or number two. After all, everyone needs some confirmation, and everything you do yourself, you do better. So give yourself a standing ovation after doing the dishes, say thank you after you put out the trash or gently stroke your own cheek when you’re having a hard time. Whisper ‘everything will be alright, I’m with you’, when the night seems insurmountably long and cold. After all: you’ll never be alone once you start talking to the voices in your head.
“To compensate for this manifest lack of physicality, I recently started giving myself an enthusiastic high five or an encouraging pat on the back after every successful meal, clean-up session or number two.”
4. Follow a rigorous sports regime and then eat yourself stupid
Two months of no work or responsibility and weeks of beautiful spring weather on top of that? If that’s not the perfect cocktail to start working on your fitness, I’m not a perfect specimen of man. And because you constantly have to avoid idiots who shit on the whole social distancing rule while jogging, you’ll be training your reflexes as well: awesome. Unfortunately, you’ll still be stuck with a lot of downtime in between those sessions, which can get quite boring. But what is the best remedy for boredom? Indeed: it’s stuffing your face with boatloads of unhealthy crap. It takes some calculations, but when you get it right, you’ll come out of quarantine with that perfect status quo body. Too much of a lazy bum to go jogging? Then stay safe by eating yourself into a perfect sphere. This will cause you to develop your own field of gravity, which will keep all viruses at bay while they orbit around your big fat quarantine belly. Yeah science!
5. Read Facebook comments until you never want to see another human being again
Imagine we weren’t going through this pandemic today but somewhere in the early nineties. No Netflix, not online delivery services and no drunk video calls with your friends. The whole internet was brand new and basically non-existent for the common man. Fortunately we do have it available right now, and it can be used both to connect with other people and to strengthen our resolve during isolation. Take this little test as an example. Surf to a random Facebook page posting news stories on covid-19. Read some of the comments below the articles. Realise there are actual people out there who believe the new world order is spreading corona through the 5G network to cull the population. Then breathe a sigh of relief because at least you won’t have to deal with these idiots in real life for a while. Read enough wacky comments and you’ll voluntarily quarantine yourself indefinitely. Traffic jams solved, air pollution solved and you won’t have to do much laundry in the foreseeable future either. And isn’t that just superb?
“Read enough of these wacky comments and you’ll voluntarily quarantine yourself indefinitely. Traffic jams solved, air pollution solved and you won’t have to do much laundry in the foreseeable future either. And isn’t that just superb?”
There, five tips for the upcoming apocalypse. Have some other things to do in quarantine? What was your wildest adventure in the past month? Want to get something off your chest? Ran out of toilet paper two weeks ago and wiping your ass on the curtains? Let it all out in the comments below.
For all information on covid-19, check the UZA website.