Slightly stressed about the second wave of corona infections on its way to Antwerp? Looking for a safe haven to relax and forget the depressing reality of life in 2020 for a while? Trot Op! got you covered and gives you five fun spots in Antwerp where you probably won’t get corona!
Well dear friends, since apparently we’re a great big bunch of raging morons, covid-19 was able to redistribute itself all over Antwerp like it was on sale. Good job. Please keep posting those incredibly accurate “scientific” studies written by some raving snake-oil selling quacks, and above all keep refusing to wear a mask. After all, your personal freedom – and not poor old granny’s shaky health – is the most important thing at stake right now. Because who cares about saving anybody else when doing so causes a minor personal inconvenience? This is why I’m completely against using condoms as well: gotta free that Willy man! And as we are well on our way to becoming pariahs in both Belgium and Europe, we might as well get comfortable in our own city. Chances are, we soon won’t even be allowed to leave anyway, especially not when we keep hanging out in groups of twenty people, getting drunk on each other’s lap. YOLO.
Five places in Antwerp where you probably won’t get corona
Luckily there are lots of spots in Antwerp where you’ll see next to no people at all. Yes, we’re sitting on a goldmine of wonderful nature right outside the city centre, and apparently no one seems to care about it because it’s all deserted. In normal times, this would make me feel sad, but now these green oases are the safest place to be if you want to mix pleasure with not coughing yourself into an early grave a month from now. So there you go: five quiet places in Antwerp where you probably won’t get corona. Enjoy, keep your distance and wash your goddamn hands when you touch stuff for fuck’s sake.
1. Your own home
Indeed Einstein: the safest place to be right now is on your very own couch. Stay home as much as you can. Order food from your favourite restaurants, grab a couple of cold ones, wiggle your fat ass out of your jeans and get yourself ready for a wholesome evening of Netflix & chill (or Netflix and crying your heart out: they can’t all be winners). If you do feel the need to go out, just take your family or meet up with a couple of your closest friends, instead of going for a pub crawl with your whole damn football team. Also stay off of Tinder, you horndog you. It’s not rocket science. Listen to Cathy. Cathy knows what’s up.
2. Sint-Anna Forest
Lots of Antwerp locals seem completely oblivious to it – every time I’m there I meet like five people max – but there’s a big and beautiful forest right next to Sint-Anna Beach on the city’s left bank. It’s perfect for a wholesome stroll, ideal for a family picnic – they even put up some tables for you – and since it’s completely empty it’s also one of the safest places to be to survive a pandemic. The bunnies won’t infect you. Just take your trash back home when you leave will you? Otherwise I’ll have to thorougly spank you, which is against all social distance protocol.
I already mentioned the many pleasures of “bird spotting” in the Blokkersdijk birding hut in a previous article on hidden Antwerp gems, but during a pandemic this beautiful reserve becomes even more alluring. Hundred hectares of unspoiled nature can be explored here, all centred around a big pond where more than 150 different bird species take their holidays each year. Blokkersdijk is right next to the forest mentioned above, but a little further away from the city. This means it’s even emptier and thus safer from corona. And if you can spot some mute swans, stonechats or spoonbills while there, how much better could your day even get? Right?
The next spot can also be found on the left bank, but is more known and slightly busier. So be careful, my dudes. The banks of the Galgenweel lake next to the Scheldt are still surprisingly quiet though. And when they’re not, there’s always ample space to stay far away from all the dirty no mask wearing virus factories shambling about. Get some sunshine in – Vitamin D is important – go for a wakeboarding session at WakeUpCable (faceplanting yourself on the water surface at 30mph is painful but completely coronaproof) or play it even safer and rent a sailboat, fill it up with five coolers full of food and stay in the middle of the lake for two months. It’s probably the best place to ride out the inevitable zombie apocalypse of 2021 as well.
5. De Ruien
“Hey genius, why would you tell people to venture underground in the middle of a pandemic, especially in a place they literally closed off centuries ago to actually try and prevent epidemics?” Well let me tell you. 1. De Ruien are cool and something everyone in Antwerp should experience at least once (and hey, it might be your last chance if you’re very unlucky). 2. Before you go they’ll give you a completely sealed protective suit and masks are obligatory. 3. You won’t be taking any deep breaths anyways because it smells like shit down there. Get your tickets now. www.ruien.be
“Luckily there are lots of spots in Antwerp where you’ll see next to no people at all. Yes, we’re sitting on a goldmine of wonderful nature right outside the city centre, and apparently no one seems to care about it because it’s all deserted.”
There, five peaceful places to spend the coming catastrophe in the safest possible way. Did I forget a couple of spots? Think I’m an idiot who should read up on the many dangers of 5G and the evil mastermind that is Bill Gates? Are you an utter fool who thinks he knows better than all the people who spent their lives actually studying the topic at hand? Would you like to have my number to fight the loneliness during a possible second lockdown? Let it all go in the comments below.
Corona in Antwerp: let’s get serious
Facts are facts: the numbers in Antwerp are atrocious and rising exponentially. We all have to do better: not tomorrow, not the day after, but right now. We also should encourage each other to hang on and keep at it. If we don’t, we’re headed for an economic and humanitarian disaster that could rage on all the way past New Year’s Eve. So wash your hands like a crazy person, wear your mask the right way whenever you’re around other people, keep your distance from others at all times and only meet your family and closest friends.
If you have to see more people than your bubble allows – we all need to work – be even more thorough in following the guidelines.No one wants to go through a second lockdown. It would be disastrous for the catering industry, the healthcare professionals, the tourism and event industry and especially for everyone losing more friends and relatives to this shit virus. I’ve not been promoting all of my favourite restaurants for months to see them have to close up again. Let’s all be responsible adults and make sure they can stay open. Deal?